Communication as a life skill

Communication is beyond the mere ability to talk. It is the ability to convey one’s feelings/emotions through the medium of expression in a clear manner where non-verbal communication is as important as verbal communication.

There is enough scientific evidence to suggest that communication begins in the womb. Babies are experts at communicating their needs to new parents who pick up their cues simply through observation. In fact, communication with babies is the foundation of attachment. It is not only amazing but intriguing to note how powerful non- verbal communication can be.

My little one was 8 weeks old when she began moving her right arm in a certain way to indicate that she wanted to be held. Turning away from food, pointing to a certain object or towards a direction, tugging on a parent’s clothes to draw attention, hugging, biting, hitting and more such aspects of a child’s behaviour are all powerful tools of communication. In fact, the behaviour is communication.

Language is obviously one of the important factors in communication, but certainly not the only factor and cannot exist in isolation. When my little girl was learning to talk, she would often attempt using words that were not always clear. I would then say, “Tell me more about what you are saying”. That would prompt her to either point or take my hand and lead me to where she wanted to go. She would sometimes use signs to convey what she intended to so that I could figure out what she wanted. For example, at mealtime, she would sign ‘more’, ‘in’, ‘all done’ and so on.

All of us have unique ways of communicating and interacting with each other. As accepting as we are, of these unique differences, we have all struggled at some point in our lives to connect with another individual, because of these differences. Neuroscience has unveiled that the various ways in which people communicate are a direct result of how differently their brains are wired to think, speak, listen, and act. However, it can get challenging when these different brains need to collaborate, and process the same information together, as in a team.

Our children need to be equipped with an intrinsic mechanism of overcoming these differences to become effective communicators in their lives which is an even greater challenge that we as parents face. Read on to understand how one can bridge that gap and facilitate learning.

So how does the brain perceive communication?

The brain has 6 areas that perceive communication in their own unique ways before one can integrate this information into one’s experience. This highlights the fact that communication is an integration of various parts of the brain and not just the mere use of language.

1) The Frontal lobe: This part of the brain helps convert thoughts into words. It is primarily concerned with reasoning, problem-solving as well as our ability to socialize with other beings.

2) The Parietal lobe: This part is mainly concerned with movement, making sense of sensations such as touch, and orientation in space.

3) The Occipital lobe: This part allows us to make sense of what we see and our vision.

4) The Temporal lobe: This part is concerned with processing the sounds that we hear and some part of our speechmaking process.

5) The cerebellum: This is where all the information such as movement, speech, sound, vision, etc gets decoded and processed.

6) The brainstem: This part is responsible for the ‘fight or flight’ reaction

What could you do as a parent to aid this integration in the brain?

1) Organize the environment:

A positive learning environment is a fundamental requirement to communication. When opportunities for communication are created naturally, one can build upon it without much effort.

a) The daily routine is a huge opportunity to develop and better communication with children:

Often as parents, we go through routines without much thought. But in fact, these are teaching moments one can capitalize on quite easily. Singing or talking to the baby at the changing table while diapering, explaining the importance of washing hands post mealtime or playtime, reading before naptime, talking about food and manners at mealtime, are all various ways in which a parent can enhance the child’s communication skills.

My daughter and I often play ‘I spy’ while we sit by the window on some evenings. I use this opportunity to talk about the weather, traffic, type of people, trees, animals, and a lot more as the conversation develops. It not only allows for bonding, but is a good way to integrate vision, hearing, comprehension, and movement to enhance communication. On one such occasion, my sweet pea was 2.5 years old when she said to me, “Mumma, I wonder if it is going to rain” and I was amazed at how well constructed that sentence was. It was casual but came from observing the colour of the clouds in the sky, understanding the link between grey clouds and rain, but being cautious at the same time about predicting the result.

These conversations must be well planned, age-appropriate, and must develop as the child grows to become more complex as per the child’s level of understanding.

b) Interact with your child during play:

- Play is the best way to connect with a child. Both verbal and non-verbal communication can be focussed on during play. Saying, “Looks like you are eager to explore the new book” to a very young child while he/she is trying to turn the pages of a book, or, “Your smile tells me you like this teddy” is careful but non-judgemental reporting of non-verbal communication.

- Talking about a toy in detail such as discussing the shape, colour, feel, etc can empower a child with vocabulary and knowledge at the same time.

- Asking open-ended questions to an older child such as “What is cooking in that pot?” or “Your drawing looks beautiful, would you like to tell me more about it?” can create opportunities for meaningful conversations.

- My little girl likes to play word games. I give her a word and then she comes up with a word related to it and vice versa. This game not only helps integrate the brain but also enhances her vocabulary and her ability to think out of the box.

c) Read books together:

Books are a direct connect to verbal and non-verbal communication. Besides reading the text in a book, discussions around what the child might find interesting, or what a younger non-verbal child points at could create learning opportunities. If your young tot points at a picture and smiles, talk about it. It may not be entirely related to what the text in the book is suggesting, but it may be a good opportunity to build communication skills.

Saying, “Oh that is a horse. It neighs. Can you say neigh?” is more productive than saying “Alright now let’s focus on the book”.

My daughter and I often talked about how the characters in a book may be feeling, and related their emotions and body postures to incidents from our own lives when she was younger. Now that she is 3 years old, we try more complex communication strategies. We often end up tweaking the story we read by simply changing the names of the characters, or by adding a different ending to the story. There are times when we mix two stories to create a new one, or we may simply end up discussing an aspect of the story in detail. This not only allows her to build on her vocabulary but understand the viewpoints of the characters.

2) Be an active listener:

a) Active listening is listening without judgment. Try not to attach your own feelings or beliefs with what your child has to say. It is about tuning in to what your child has to say, but remaining separate from the situation being described at the same time.

A few days ago, my little one was upset by something that happened at the park. She was talking to me about how some older kids hijacked the ‘house’ my daughter and her friend had built on the slide. It was interesting to note how she solved her own problem after being allowed to describe the incident without my interference. I remained an active participant however, by saying, “That upset you and you did not like what happened” or “You decided to tell the older kids what you felt”. This prompted her to continue with the conversation but did not make her feel judged in any way. She got clarity on her own feelings about the situation.

b) Avoid interrupting as your child speaks and try not to complete your child’s sentences. My daughter often wants to share her feelings but takes some time to construct her sentences. Sometimes she goes back and forth between incidents, and I give her ample time to come up with a way to tie the incidents together. Gathering thoughts and wording them correctly is a process that needs time, and if you feel the urge to jump in, you may take away a learning moment from your child. This is also a good way of modeling for your child and he/she may then understand why it is not socially appropriate to interrupt others during a conversation.

c) When I ask my little girl a question, I may not get a response immediately. I wait till she can come up with an answer and if not gently prod for one. I may say, “I wonder if you have now thought about the options, I gave you for your fruit? Which one did you pick?” and pause.

d) As parents, we can be tempted to fix grammatical errors or may interrupt to correct a mispronounced word. When my little girl was deeply engrossed in narrating her conversation with her friend once, she said, “I telled him that..”. I let her finish her sentence and then said, “So you told him that….”. Then she repeated what I said and continued with the rest of the story. Without interrupting her train of thought, I had attempted to correct her gently and she was quick to latch on.

e) Stop what you are doing to listen to your child. It is important to be fully present when your child wants to have a conversation with you.

3) Praise your child in the right way:

“There is no value judgement more important to man, no factor more decisive in his psychological development and motivation- than the estimate he passes on himself. The nature of his self-evaluation has profound effects on a man’s thinking process, emotions, desires, values and goals. It is the single most significant key to his behaviour” – Nathaniel Branden in his book The Psychology of self- esteem.

a) Praising a child must not become a routine “Good job!” or “well done!”. Instead, if it is more descriptive, it teaches a child to value himself/herself more.

My little girl came up to me one day and demonstrated a new ‘yoga pose’ she had mastered from one of the books we read together. She said, “Mommy look!”. I noticed that she was working hard at standing still and said, “Wow! You seem to have practiced this pose a lot. I like how you are staying focused on standing still”. Later I noticed her telling her dad, “Daddy look I can stand still and I practiced”. My words became her thoughts, and I wondered what message I would have conveyed if I had stopped at “Good job!”.

When your child paints a picture, stop to admire the little strokes and details in the picture or comment on the beautiful use of colours in the painting. Description allows the child to feel valued and lets him/her know that you are genuinely interested in his/her craft.

b) Using one strong, positive word to sum up the child’s praiseworthy behaviour can enhance the child’s vocabulary to inform his/her self-esteem. When we were shopping for party favours to give out at my little girl’s 3rd birthday party recently, she remembered a friend whom we had missed. I immediately said, “You remembered her name, I appreciate how thoughtful you are”.

c) For a younger child who is learning to use language as part of communication, praise can mean instilling self-confidence. Saying, “Thank you for using your words” or “That was a really polite way of asking for it, I appreciate that” can reassure the child that he is not only doing well but is also effective in communicating his/her needs.

4) Provide choices

Including the child in the decision-making process can boost a child’s confidence. Encouraging the child to make a choice, and maybe even asking older children to explain their choices can all enhance communication skills.

5) Problem-solve together

Talk about your child’s needs as well as your own with respect to a problem at hand. Then work upon a mutually agreeable solution.

My baby girl often has trouble coming home from the park when her friends are still playing. I said to her once, “I can see that it is hard for you to leave your friends and come home with me” to which she nodded in agreement and I

continued, “But I worry that you will be late for dinner and then be too tired to eat. How about we come up with a plan that works for both of us?” We decided that she would play for another 5 minutes, after which we could head home. This way, I had allowed her to think about her feelings and mine and consider a feasible solution for both of us. She came up with an answer, that had all aspects of communication, and not to mention, it was a peaceful solution in the end.

6) Model good communication

Last, but not least, model good communication skills yourself.

a) Maintain eye contact while communicating

b) Be clear, succinct, and empathetic while communicating with your child

c) Avoid lecturing, labeling, or shaming the child during communication

d) Avoid the use of foul language

e) Don’t ask too many questions

f) Don’t rush to answer your child’s questions

g) Be respectful and non-judgemental during communication or while referring to someone who isn’t present during your conversation

Types of communicators

Jeremy Teitelbaum, author and communication expert defines 5 types of communicators in his book, Communication strategies for professionals.

1) Social communicators – These people are good at reading people and their body language. They are comfortable in social situations and are strong at social interactions.

2) Contextual communicators – These people may not always be politically correct, but do not believe in reserving their opinions.

3) Linguistic communicators – They are focussed on detail and are very appropriate with their choice of words.

4) Visual communicators – They like to describe what they see and are good with pictures.

5) Cerebral communicators – These people are deep thinkers and do not respond impulsively. They like to think over before responding.

Teitelbaum suggests that to be an effective communicator, one must be able to adapt to all these 5 types of communicators. The majority of us have one dominant type that has a strong influence on how we conduct ourselves socially. However, 20% of people can have 2 dominant types and 5% of people have three dominant types.

By adhering to simple yet effective strategies mentioned above, this seems like an achievable feat. Although this requires practice, if communication is introduced as a life skill to children early on, there is a chance that they will grow up to be more effective, persuasive, influential, and collaborative. The key is to be able to connect to an audience, be it one person or many people, and communicate with them in the way they understand best.

I am hoping this has been an empowering read and you have a better picture of how communication can be an essential life skill. Keep an eye on my next blog for more such write-ups.

References:

Faber, A. (2012). How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (Anniversary, Updated). Scribner Book Company.

SIEGEL, D. J. (2015). No-drama discipline. Place of publication not identified: Scribe publications.

Teitelbaum, J. B. (2014). Communication strategies for professionals. Dubuque, IA: Kendall Hunt Publishing Company.

Hirsh-Pasek, K., Golinkoff, R. M., & Eyer, D. E. (2008). Einstein never used flash cards: How our children really learn--and why they need to play more and memorize less. New York: MJF Books.