Discipline – Calmer than you think

I bet you didn’t expect the word ‘Discipline’ to be linked with ‘calm’. It is a word that is usually associated with sarcasm, criticism, name-calling, warnings, threats, and lectures. It is a word that arouses the recognizable feeling of discomfort, that emanates from our beliefs around it. These beliefs could be born from our own experiences or as a result of the influence of society at large. Nonetheless, it leaves parents feeling anxious, frustrated, and upset about ‘righting’ their child’s behaviour and brings with it a truckload of guilt.

I embarked upon such a rickety journey myself when my toddler was around 18 months old. I call this rickety because although I loved this tiny human to bits, in the moments when I needed to step in and ‘correct’ her behavior, I was unsure. I was inconsistent, unsteady, and confused about the right way of executing this. I knew I didn’t want to refer to my own childhood and certainly did not want to borrow from what society/tradition recommends. I was at my wit’s end when my baby girl would act out suddenly and I would either react or withdraw.

Then I came across some brilliant research and wisdom of some experts that taught me a whole new lesson. I admit that it did not and does not work on every occasion, but it certainly makes me and my daughter bond better. Now you may ask, how does one ‘bond’ through discipline? That’s unheard of! Well, let me tell you more, so you’re convinced it is in fact a part of bonding and connecting with our children. Read on as I tell you all about discipline and its gentler persona, connection, and the brain view of how this works.

Why discipline?

As much as parenting is about listening to our kids, honouring their essence, and being fully present with them, it is also about boundaries and discipline. When my baby girl threw her toys at me for the first time, my knee jerk reaction was to say ‘No!’ loud enough to jolt her. But the next minute when her tears rolled down her cheeks, upon hearing her beloved mom scold her like a tyrant, my intention to ‘teach her’ transformed into a ton of guilt. I felt a sudden disconnect from her and then the drama, the crying, the hurt together with my guilt weighed me down.

After the storm had passed, I asked myself the three crucial questions;

1) Why did my child act this way?

A little later as my daughter napped, I reflected on that incident. It dawned upon me that my little girl was probably irritated from a wet diaper. Immediately upon changing her, she rewarded me with a perfect toothless grin.

2) What lessons did I wish to teach her?

I intended to teach her that she needed to respect her toys and that hurling a toy at someone could hurt that individual.

3) How best could I have taught this lesson?

Well, obviously my loud and stern ‘No’ brought a tsunami of tears and I was sure she didn’t get the whole point of my yelling. So, I had to do something different. I realized that I noticed the behaviour and not her need. I had not done a good job here.

For the future, I needed to remind myself to go through a mental checklist of her basic needs before judging her behaviour. Not that I wasn’t already doing so. But now, I had less time to respond since she was more mobile, and quicker. To reinforce better behaviour, I needed to connect and redirect. This would help me peep in her mind, just enough to allow me to blend with her thoughts to guide her on.

It was apparent that my intention was to ‘teach’ her and not ‘punish’ her for what she did. The word ‘discipline’ comes from the Latin word, ‘disciplina’ which means ‘to teach’. A disciple is someone who learns and not someone who should be punished. The goals of discipline are to try to get our children to do the right thing and help them develop self-control and moral responsibility so that even in the absence of authority, they continue to do what is conscientious. Fear and punishment can work in the moment, but they do not work in the long term. In fact, they are associated with negative feelings that build up within oneself as resentment and disrespect towards the punisher. I don’t know any child who has ‘thought about what he/she did wrong’ when in a ‘time out’. Research as proven that children who get ‘time-outs’ more than ‘time-ins’ are likely to associate them with anger, humiliation, and punishment.

Discipline is not one -size- fits all

All children are different, and a child may respond differently to the same stimulus in a different environment, on a different day. This is in fact quite challenging to us parents, as we often look for instant solutions to ‘fix’ behavioural issues. It is prudent that we completely understand the fact that our children are all governed by developmental processes that occur at a set time during their lives. Brain development is incomplete until the mid-’20s. Now then shall we say that as adults we can never faulter or behave inappropriately and we always make informed, well-balanced decisions in our own lives? I’ll leave that to your discretion.

The truth is that for all of us, our capacity fluctuates given our state of mind and body, and these states are in turn influenced by various factors – especially in the case of a developing brain, and a growing child. A valuable tool that neuroscience expert, author, professor and clinical psychiatrist, Dr. Seigel offers parents, is the concept of ‘won’t’ vs ‘can’t’. The infuriation a parent feels can easily melt into a balanced calm when one learns to decipher between ‘can’t’ and ‘won’t’.

On a hot summer evening, a few days back, we took our little girl to a water park nearby. Towards the latter part of the evening, a cool breeze began to blow, and the shade was no longer a comfortable place to be in. A few minutes later, I heard my little girl crying loudly and as I ran to her aid, I saw her almost frozen, standing in a pool of pee. Her fists were clenched, and she was holding her shorts with one hand, seemingly uncomfortable from the experience. I saw some other parents’ glance over at me, while a few kids even giggled. It made me alert to the fact that we were not alone in our experience. But I quickly realized that the weather played a huge part in her discomfort and she simply could not hold on. The water park was so much fun, that it did not occur to her that her body was reminding her to void. She simply wasn’t capable of engaging her brain to cooperate with her in alerting her or me of the oncoming adversity.

I was now in a position where my brain was ready to share my calm with her and I dropped my cover of embarrassment almost instantly. I hugged her and comforted her saying, “I know, you did not expect this. You are feeling embarrassed by not having control over your body, yet. I am right here with you, and I shall help you through this”.

Our relationship with our kids should be central to everything we do. No matter what the circumstances are, we must let them feel the deep love we have for them, whether we’re acknowledging an act of kindness or addressing misbehaviour. In this case, although she wasn’t misbehaving, being fully potty trained, I could have expected her to inform me beforehand. But I knew she wasn’t capable of meeting my expectation this time.

However, connection does imply permissiveness in any way. If I comforted her and acknowledged her hardship in dealing with the situation, I wasn’t going to convey to her that this was okay. I knew I needed to empower her with tools that she could use in the future if a similar circumstance presented itself again.

Is there a magic wand for discipline?

Often parents retort to popular disciplining strategies such as spanking and, time-outs. While they are believed to be effective in the moment to extinguish the said behaviour, they are in fact counterproductive. Physical punishment and abuse is never a good way of instilling discipline/life lessons or ‘teaching’ anything.

Research has demonstrated that this method has been consistently associated with negative outcomes in various domains. Moreover, it does not present the child with an opportunity to think about his/her own behaviour and even feel some healthy guilt or remorse. The brain interprets spanking as a ‘threat’ and releases hormones that are similar to those released during a ‘fight or flight’ response. These changes over a long period of time, have the potential of altering the brain structurally and creating dysfunction.

A parent who is supposed to be the source of love, trust, and safety suddenly becomes the source of pain. The stress hormones released create a disorganized interpersonal relationship and over time there can be a total disconnect between the parent and the child. Under such circumstances, the child rebels, gains attention with negative behaviour and the very behaviour that the parent set out to extinguish, expands. So, as you can see, the only gain from this method of spanking is the immediate cessation of behaviour due to fear, which isn’t even true gain.

Time-outs are a carefully studied tool, as researchers have seen steady growth in the widespread use of this tool by well-meaning parents. To parents, this seems like a gentler option than spanking. It has been found that when time-outs were used for brief periods (5 minutes), they can prove to be healthy tools to foster discipline. But a time-out to a researcher is not the same as a time-out to a distressed parent. In place of cultivating healthy self-regulating skills, time-outs can create room for humiliation and anger.

Hence instead of a time-out, a ‘time-in’ is what is considered more appropriate. When a parent angrily dismisses the child to sit in ‘time-out’, he robs the child of the opportunity to learn from it. However, when a parent accompanies a child in a ‘time-in’ and considers alternative behaviours with the child on board, a healthy tool is born. Teaching kids inner reflection, how to pause is quite essential for reducing impulsiveness, and to harness the power of focussed attention. It is a part of mindfulness, that is a connection with oneself and it also develops insight.

It's about offering a child a place to self-regulate, and down-regulate that involves shifting out of the emotional overload that the child may experience in the form of a meltdown or a tantrum.

When we discipline with threats and scary nonverbals such as tone, posture, and facial expressions – we activate the defensive circuits in our child’s brain.

How does the brain respond to discipline?

No matter how smart, responsible, or conscientious our children are, it is unfair to expect them to always handle themselves well, or to distinguish between a good choice and a bad one.

One evening, at the park my daughter was happily playing in the sandbox with some older kids. At the outset, they were all playing together. But as time went by, the older kids began building something where they didn’t want my daughter to participate in. My husband was watching from a distance. He noticed how my daughter’s expression changed. She looked at my husband for a quick second, but he didn’t react as he wanted to give her an opportunity to handle this on her own. But what followed, was least expected. My little girl fisted her hands and ran into the ‘castle’ built by the older kids, demolishing it in seconds. The kids hardly anticipated that, and their expressions said it all. Then she ran towards my husband for a hug.

He had a choice here. He had trusted her to handle the situation based on past experiences and knowing her personality well. He was certainly not happy with the way she handled it, and he could have given her an earful. But as he hugged her, he saw her need of wanting to be validated. He felt her emotion and incapability of handling rejection. He decided to connect with her before he could address the behaviour itself.

He said, “It did not feel nice when you could not participate with your friends in building that castle, did it?” She acknowledged by hugging him tighter. Then he continued, “It is hard handling rejection, I understand. It’s okay to feel the way you feel”. “They did nooooot let me play” she complained in a whiny tone. This was when my husband felt that he had connected well enough for her to now understand the impact of her behaviour thereafter. He responded by saying, “I know, that sure wasn’t the right way of letting you know they wanted to play by themselves for some time. But what do you think they felt when you broke down their castle?” She didn’t say anything but bowed her head down in shame. “What could you have done differently?” my husband asked, as she ran back toward the sandbox. It seemed like she said something to them and then they hugged and made up. Although my husband couldn’t hear what was being said, the visual was a confirmation that his redirection had worked.

Who wouldn’t want a child who plans ahead and consistently makes good decisions, controls his emotions and body; displays flexibility, empathy, and self-understanding, and acts morally responsible? But that is too much to expect from a child, at least not all the time. An older child is usually expected to act this way, as the parent begins to see the independence and autonomy of the child flourish. But then do we as adults, always make the correct decisions all the time?

On the other hand, the good news is that there is a way to encourage this. When we know about the brain - how we pay attention, how we think, feel, and interact with others, in ways that support solid, healthy brain development through life, we can begin to guide our minds.

An area in the upstairs brain (thinking brain) called the temporal-parietal junction (TPJ) is responsible for this. My blog on ‘Learning life skills through an integrated brain’ talks about the role of the ‘upstairs’ and ‘downstairs’ brain in detail. If you have not already had a chance to read, here is the link https://prachiraophysio.wixsite.com/mom-me/post/learning-life-skills-through-an-integrated-brain

The TPJ assists us in understanding the mind of another (perspective taking). Mindsight is the term given to this as it literally means seeing the mind of others. We can build mindsight in our children, as we guide them toward insight, empathy, and moral thinking. As parents, mindsight helps us to understand what our children might be thinking and how we could interpret and apply it to real-life scenarios. I speak about insight and empathy here, https://prachiraophysio.wixsite.com/mom-me/post/insight-and-empathy if you feel the need to refer.

My husband was trusting my daughter’s instincts all along to behave appropriately because he believed that she has had similar experiences in the past, and has received the conditioning it needs to form the related pathways in the brain. Although, on that occasion, she simply needed to be reassured. Repetition of healthy/positive brain experiences is crucial. The brain is plastic, and neurons that wire together, fire together. To know more about neuroplasticity, peep into this one https://prachiraophysio.wixsite.com/mom-me/post/how-does-my-child-learn.

Neuroplasticity has enormous ramifications to what we do as parents. If repeated experiences actually change the structure of the brain, then it becomes paramount that we become intentional about rewarding our children with positive experiences. Three vital questions to ask ourselves at this juncture are;

1) How do I communicate with my kids? Do I reprimand, lecture, dictate, and order? Or do I empathize, reason, understand, and connect?

2) Do I help my child reflect on his/her behaviour? What do I teach my child about relationships, respect, trust, and effort?

3) What important people do I introduce in my child’s life and how do they impact his/her life?

From reactivity to receptivity

Once on a car ride, our daughter was entertaining herself with her magic slate. My husband and I were engrossed in a serious conversation about something and were happy that we were treated to some silence and time to ourselves. We made sure to be quiet enough not to destroy the peace. Just as we began to feel grateful for the space we were blessed with, “Oh no! My slaaaaaaaateeee” came a shrill voice from the backseat. Our baby girl was in extreme distress since her slate fell out of her hand when she didn’t expect it to. “Oh, that’s too bad, sweetie. I wish I could reach for it, but it’s too far under daddy’s seat and I think I’ll wait for us to stop at a safe place so I can retrieve it” I quickly put in anticipating trouble. “Noooooooooooo I want it nowwwwww” came the reply, with some flailing of arms.

By giving her a logical explanation, I had just triggered her downstairs brain and thrown her into a reactive state. My mind was fixed on my own agenda of terminating her behaviour so calm could be restored. In another moment, on another day, when I’d have been more present, I would have said something like, “Oh, I’m so sorry you lost that slate. You were so involved in drawing something so intently and now its on the floor. It must have been quite a shock”. But now, I had created a new beast I had to tame.

It took us a while before we calmed down and connected and the next 10 minutes before we stopped, seemed like forever. I had enraged her downstairs brain, instead of engaging her upstairs brain. This came from my own inability to disconnect from my own situation and enter her world. Later when we were at a stop, I named her emotions, offered comfort through my soothing touch and shared my calm. Naming her emotions, made her feel that I was still able to understand her anguish and anxiety from having to deal with the wait that lay ahead of her before she could have her slate back. Her fear and anger decreased, and she became more receptive.

This journey from reactivity to receptivity needed just one thing – me – her parent to lead her on. It needed my calm, and my more integrated brain for the connection to be established. I had realized that in a battle of amygdalae, nobody wins. The amygdala is the structure in our brains that alerts us to threats and strong emotions. When the amygdala is active, we can only react, and not respond. It is harder to exercise the pause that allows us to rethink our interpretation before we provide a satisfactory response.

So, as you can see, when a child is upset and we invite the upstairs brain to participate in the decision-making process, we are creating a functional linkage between dysregulation and regulation. This makes the journey from reactivity to receptivity quicker and smoother.

Connection is everything

"I’m with you, I’ve got your back. Even when you’re at your worst and although I don’t like and do not agree with the way you are acting now, I love you and I am here for you. I understand that you are having a hard time, and I am here”.

No parent can connect all the time, and no child can feel receptive all the time. But when the same message is sent repeatedly, we’re letting our children know that they can feel safe, secure, and heard in the company of their parents. The way we interact with our kids when they are upset significantly affects the way their brains develop, and hence what kind of people they grow up to be.

Misbehaviour is a child’s way of communicating to the parent that they are in need of something, how that need should be addressed, and that they require appropriate tools to address that need. Yes, it's not fun watching your child in this state, and it is exhausting and infuriating at the same time. But the good news is that we get the information we might not otherwise receive, and we can take intentional steps to empower them. The bottom line is that something can be done about it, and it is not a hopeless situation. It does last forever.

Could I spoil my child?

A parent cannot spoil a child by giving more of himself/herself to the relationship. It is not about how much love, time, and attention we give our kids. Spoiling can occur when a child feels entitled about getting his/her way, in the exact same way he/she wants it, and when everything comes easily without any effort. The problem appears when parents indulge their children, by giving them more and more stuff and sheltering them from struggles, sadness and disappointments, instead of lavishly offering what they genuinely need.

Having a sense of entitlement, as opposed to an attitude of gratitude, can affect relationships in the future and when the entitled mindset comes across to others. If a child hasn’t practised dealing with difficult emotions when he/she doesn’t get what he/she wants, it can only get worse when the child grows up to be an adult.

Connection with the child is not even close to indulgence. It is about walking through the hard times with our children and being there for them when they go through their emotional turmoil. It is discipline from a whole-brain, integrated perspective that not only enhances emotional intelligence but also fosters problem-solving abilities in the child. The happy, secure brain learns better and it requires minimal effort on the parent’s part to bring about this transition.

You can connect while setting limits, and appropriate boundaries at the same time. Watch the following video to know how that is done.

References:

Faber, A. (2012). How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (Anniversary, Updated). Scribner Book Company.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2016). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child's developing mind. New York: Bantam Books.