Insight and Empathy

Insight and empathy are the pillars of social intelligence. To be able to look within oneself and understand one’s own emotions is called insight. Being empathetic is the ability to look within others and understand them.

It is interesting to note that a significant amount of empirical evidence points to a fact, that social intelligence in grade 3 was a better predictor of math skills in grade 8 than the math score itself.

On Easter this year we organized the traditional ‘Easter egg hunt’ for my munchkin. She thoroughly enjoyed the egg hunt and at nap time she said “Mumma Easter bunny gifted me and I am so happy. Could we also gift Easter bunny something?” I thought she was quite insightful and had demonstrated sincere empathy. Her understanding that a gift could make someone happy, stemmed from personal experiences.

So, as you can see, empathy is born from insight. Let’s delve a little deeper into these two life skills.

What does it mean to be insightful?

Often the difference between reaction and response is a small pause. If inserting that pause allows you to freeze the moment in time, you would be narrating to yourself about your own feelings. You are your own spectator. For a toddler, this can mean the ability to give a name to his / her feelings.

My little one likes to end her meals with fruit. I often direct her attention to feel how ‘hungry’ she is, so she can decide if she’d like a big fruit or a small fruit. It has become a habit now and comes naturally to her when she says, “Look at my tummy! I think I’m feeling full”.

I ordered a book online once, that my daughter was eager to have, in her library. However, I ended up ordering the version that was wordy instead of the one that was meant for her age. I was nervous when I began telling her what happened. She took a small pause before responding and the expression on her face was not a pleasant one. My heart stopped beating for a moment, but then she said, “That’s okay, maybe we can order another one that is not for big kids”. I heaved a sigh of relief and wondered about how essential that pause was.

What does it mean to be empathetic?

Mary Gordon, educator, author, and parenting expert suggests that empathy is a skill that is learned. It cannot be instilled but can be practiced or demonstrated. When we put up our bird feeder in the balcony, my daughter was quite excited. She watched like a hawk to see if any birds came. Two days passed and we didn’t have any visitors. I was in another room one day when I heard my daughter having a genuine conversation with someone. It freaked me out for a minute because we’re home alone during the day when my husband is at work. I rushed to see what was happening and I found her standing on the sofa and talking to someone outside the window. I asked and she said “I’m telling the birds to come and eat. They must be hungry but maybe they don’t know we have food for them”. I was pleasantly surprised by her concern.

Having said that, empathy is not a mere understanding of how others feel or what they want. But in fact, it is the ability to develop a brain that cares for others. It is to recognize that our actions affect others and vice versa.

Types of empathy

1) Perspective-taking: Seeing the world through another individual’s point of view.

When children are involved in imaginary or pretend play, they often practice this skill. They take turns to role-play and may even consider each other’s opinions about some ideas in play.

Remember the last time you said, “I get along well with person X”? What you were talking about was that you and person X may have had some similarities in the way you think. It is usually easier to identify with similarities than differences. Perspective-taking however is, viewing similarities and differences alike.

2) Emotional resonance: Feeling what others feel.

That first day at preschool, when one upset child can set off a wave of crying in the class is emotional resonance.

My little one enjoys playing in the sandpit at the park. One day, there were about 6 kids in the sandpit and 4 toys. The ratio made most parents uncomfortable. I sensed that tension and said to my daughter, “Wow you are surrounded by friends today, which means you can all build something awesome together!”. I held my breath at that moment but was relieved when my sweet pea picked up a shovel and passed it on to another child. That child then paused and did the same for another child. The result was busy kids and some great teamwork.

3) Cognitive Empathy: Intellectually understanding of what others' experiences are.

In simple words, it is the ability to understand what another person may be thinking. This type of empathy develops through familiarity.

My daughter was 15 months old when I would regularly take her to the ‘strong start’ program organized by the govt of Canada (a drop-in program for parents/caregivers of kids aged 0-5). Every day before gym time began, the teacher would sing the ‘winding up/clean up song’. That was my daughter’s cue and she would get quite excited to go to the gym. She demonstrated cognitive empathy here and understood that when the teacher sang the song, it was her intention to proceed to the gym.

Due to the current pandemic, working from home has become the new normal for most of us. My little one likes to accompany her dad to work on some days. We have however made her understand that she must maintain silence in the room when daddy is busy. It is extremely satisfying to watch her close the door behind her gently when she walks out of the room.

Compassionate Empathy: Seeing the suffering and wanting to reduce it.

My grandmother-in-law was seriously unwell, and we were visiting. My little one did not understand why she couldn’t talk, but something about her lying in bed told her that she was quite ill. My baby girl was 30 months old then, and she touched her great grandmother’s cheek gently and said, “Maya, Maya” which means I care for you. When she got a smile in reciprocation, she was excited and kept talking about the incident, days after it happened. She was too young to demonstrate that kind of empathy, but the understanding that someone was in pain and was suffering was certainly there.

4) Empathic joy: Experiencing joy with happiness, achievements, and well-being of another individual.

When I began as a new driver, my little one would often tweet from the back seat saying, “Well done Mumma!” and my joy doubled when she’d say that. She was witness to how my husband would guide me while I drove and understood that I was learning something new. Her ability to appreciate me certainly came from a place of love in her little heart.

Why insight and empathy?

If emotions were to be served on a platter, the art of discerning what emotion goes on the platter and when is differentiation. When children can differentiate, they give themselves a chance to understand their inner world better and thereby facilitate the integration of the brain. Various parts of the brain come together in making this decision, that is orchestrated through the ‘pause’ between stimulus and response.

When a math problem looks difficult to crack, instead of abandoning early, an insightful child will find a way through it.

Collaboration, academic success, and building social connections are the three big achievements that can be reached through empathy. Sharing, taking turns, building something together, communication during play are all ways through which a child can demonstrate empathy.

Strategies to promote insight and empathy

Like Daniel Seigel suggests, ‘In your role as a parent, right now is all you have to focus on”. These strategies can be used as frequently as you wish, and as effectively as you can.

Strategies to promote insight

1) Teach more about the journey and not the destination :

When a child faces a problem, the problem is quite amplified in the child’s brain. If he/she does not find a solution, an easy association of the said problem can be made with a negative experience. To help your child find a solution, simply provide more clarity on the problem itself, than offer a tailor-made solution.

For a little one, it could simply mean taking the frustration out of a situation. My baby girl has a special place in her heart for her play kitchen. She often cooks exotic meals for us and serves them with great integrity. On one such occasion, she was trying to serve corn on a plate to me. It was made of plastic and kept rolling off the plate which frustrated her. She tried repeatedly until it simply wasn’t what she could handle anymore.

I remained a spectator until the end and then had to connect with her before I could redirect her attention to the problem at hand. I began by simply sportscasting (reporting without judgment. More about this one on one of my previous posts) what was going on. I said, “ You are so eager to serve Mumma. You have taken so much effort to cook and now the corn is rolling off the plate. The round corn doesn’t stay on the flat plate”.

She was cuddled up in my arms and when I said that, she stood up and said, “Maybe I’ll make some pizza for you”. She had changed her plan and that was a good management strategy according to me. It allowed her to look within her problem very closely and come up with a viable solution.

The interesting part was that I was anticipating her to come up with a different serving container, or hold the corn while serving. But I realized that she came up with a whole new idea that worked well for her in that moment and did not make the experience itself negative.

At times, as parents when we think of a solution, we think of answers our developed brains (if that was the truth to be believed) can come up with. But brain development is not complete till the age of 28, and social intelligence is continually developing beyond that age.

2) Provide motivation for insight :

When my little girl takes her own sweet time to get ready, I have to often say, “Remember how you felt yesterday when your friends were ready to head home and you had just arrived at the park?” This is generally enough to motivate her to speed up. But if not, I have to let her choose between “We either go out to the park now or stay home since you are taking a long time working on getting ready”. So the sacrifice she has to make prompts action.

3) Provide a choice between struggles:

When the alternatives to address a problem are not motivating enough, but are the only alternatives, a child has to make a tough choice. If your child does not like practice for a sport, but that is the only way she can make it to the school team which she dreams of being a part of, it is about making a sacrifice. Then in that case you as a parent must openly lay out her options and explain that either she chooses to practice or drops the idea of being on the team. Such conflicts are often opportunities for parents to reframe the pain/struggle that underlies making a choice. The ‘pause’ here plays an extremely important role in decision making.

For my baby girl, this situation arose when she had to make a choice between reading only one story at naptime (since it was later than usual) or not reading at all. She didn’t want to do either. Her intention was to read the entire book of short stories. She obviously was upset with the alternatives, but when I said, “I understand it’s a hard choice to make since you would like to read the whole book. I would have loved to read it to you, but we are short on time now, and we would then be borrowing from your playtime since you would nap until late”.

This was the pause she got before I continued, “So ideally we could read one story of your choice or we could snuggle close and nap”. Giving her a clear picture then allowed her to zero down on reading since it was part of what she would have liked to do anyway.

4) Prevent an outburst:

Drawing a child’s attention to the surge of emotions that occur when faced with a disappointing scenario or adversity, helps the child exercise the ‘pause’. This does not go to suggest that emotion must not be experienced. A vent is absolutely necessary and it is only natural not to suppress any emotions.

However, recognizing the disappointment or negative emotion behind an experience not only allows the child to experience it but to control it from overflowing.

Just this evening, I told my daughter to clean up after play as dinner time was close. She was busy with Jenga blocks and she began putting the blocks away in a box that I had given her. After she had gathered all the blocks, she put the box on the shelf of a cabinet and the lid fell open. It was minutes away from dinner time and her reaction was driven by hunger.

She began screaming aloud and was about to throw the box on the floor when I interrupted and said, “You are mad that the cover fell out. You are so mad that you are about to throw the blocks” she looked at me and waited while still crying from frustration. I continued, “The cloud of anger is over you now. What could you do to feel better?”

I have taught my daughter to compare her emotions to clouds in the sky. When one cloud is upon us, we experience what it brings to us in its entirety and then the wind blows it away and it passes. It is then replaced by another cloud. But what if we had a choice of what cloud we could choose? I taught her to blow the cloud over her palm and say “ sadness (name of emotion) go away” a few times till she feels better.

My interruption to direct her attention inward, allowed her to do that exercise and she was calmer before she said, “Maybe I’ll try closing the box again”. I did not rob her of experiencing frustration but allowed her to control the surge to a manageable quantity.

5) Build your own insight

As parents, we wish for the best for our children. But if we have insecurities from our own past, they naturally influence our parenting styles. It is therefore important to make peace with our own emotions from our past before we can create a secure future and present for our kids.

Growing up, I was afraid of numbers and it did not allow me to excel at math. I had a mental barrier and talking about it in a negative way always influenced my beliefs about math. I chose to be a Physical therapist thinking I could escape numbers. But the reality was far from imagination. I needed numbers for a variety of reasons in my clinical practice. Willy nilly, I had to navigate through this problem, and it spilled over into my life as a parent.

I conveniently assigned the task of teaching my daughter math, to my husband, and resigned from it. He happily agreed, but I realized that I was uncomfortable giving up on her. I decided to give it a shot and tried. In my own research, I realized that explaining an abstract concept need not be in an abstract way. Adding creativity to it makes it interesting and fun. Recognizing this fear made me comfortable with it and I proceeded to share the responsibility with my husband.

Strategies to promote empathy

One thing empathy is not; and that is pleasing others at the expense of one’s self. Although being empathetic teaches us to view ourselves as interlinked with others around us, becoming too interlinked can also cause problems. Hence application of the right strategies is essential to highlight that difference. Our children must also know the difference between empathy and sympathy. Sympathy is feeling sorrowful for someone’s misfortune. But empathy is feeling and experiencing another individual’s emotions as our own.

1) Create a sound sensor for empathy

a) Verbal and non-verbal cues are both forms of communication:

If a child can see that his / her friend is sad, it is important for the child to also be aware of what the friend’s body posture suggests at that moment. Dropped shoulders, head buried in hands, tears flowing, quivering lower lip etc are all signs that need to be explained.

My daughter was often taken aback by her friend’s reaction to disappointment. She could not understand why the yelling, hitting, and flailing of arms was necessary and she would stare like it was amusing to her and then pass me a wry smile. I was unsure if she was mocking her friend or trying to imitate her. So, I stepped in and introduced role play. We often role played without particularly naming this friend, and I acted like her friend. I drew her attention to what could possibly be happening to me and we went over all possible reasons.

I would say, “What do you think is happening to me? Do you think I feel good doing what I am doing? What could you do to help me get through this? “and so on. It got me two wins – one that she stopped staring at her friend when it happened and second that she tried to empathize with her instead of being amused by her reaction. She would often say, “Mumma today X (friend’s name) was feeling sad again. Maybe she needed to….. (suggesting a solution here)” I would acknowledge her feelings and if I felt there was any judgement, I would correct that.

b) Teach the child how to slip into another person’s shoe:

We often do this at home. When my little one is rude or trying to explore the use of her autonomy in not so nice ways, I say, “Look at Daddy’s face. What do you think he is feeling because of what you said?” After she answers I persist, “Is there a way you could make that feeling change for him? What could you do to make him feel better?” She ends up with a hug or a kiss and we call that ‘doing your sorry’.

c) Introduce the child to desires others may have:

It is a tradition in our family when gifting someone, to think about what the person may like. We think aloud and brainstorm together. We avoid judging my daughter’s suggestions and consider them seriously if they are viable. If they are not, we acknowledge her concern and laud her for her inputs.

My mother’s birthday just went by and while we were having a conversation over video-call with her, my mom playfully asked my little one, “ What are you going to gift me for my birthday?” to which she replied, “Thomas train book set”. When we asked her why she had made that choice she pointed out that my mom is a voracious reader and she loves books. It was a good decision based on what she thought my mom’s desire would be.

d) Talk about the sentiments behind gestures

When we arrange for food to be delivered, we often talk about how the food gets to us. While dining at a restaurant we focus on what may be happening after we have placed the order. This has made my daughter recognize the effort people put in to make us feel satiated and happy. So she now asks, “who made my burger?” This has a spillover in other aspects of her life as well.

On our short but memorable trip to our home country recently, my daughter received many gifts in the form of clothes from friends and relatives. Now, each time she wears something new she asks, “Who gave me this frock?”

2) Give your child the vocabulary

Language plays an important role in conveying empathy. In a case where your child may be upset at another person, conveying what he/she feels instead of blaming the other person is the way forward.

When my daughter builds something out of blocks, she sometimes wants us to leave it overnight without disturbing it. One evening she worked on her ‘house’ and left it there. It was however right in the middle of her play mat and when my husband walked around it, it fell. This was right after dinner time and there was not enough time for her to redo anything. She was livid and said, “You broke my house! Why did you do it? Now I have no house” in the most melodramatic way, hot tears streaming down her cheek.

Her emotion was genuine and we simply hugged her and waited till she was calm. Then I suggested, “You really wanted Daddy to know that you wanted him to be careful while walking around it, didn’t you?” She nodded as I continued, “Could you have said, daddy, I am upset because I really wanted the house to stay and I am mad that you toppled it over”. I also had to redirect her attention to the fact that it was right in the middle of the playmat, but that was phase 2.

3) Teach your child to listen before speaking

Listening patiently to someone speak is an asset to empathy. Teach your child to be patient. Saying, “That must have hurt so bad” instead of “You should avoid the stairs next time” helps. Giving advice is hardly as powerful as listening.

4) Doing is believing

Involving your child in reaching out to the community at large can be a very effective way of teaching empathy. When we de-stash books or clear out our old clothes for donation, my daughter is always a part of this. Once she found a book that we read to her as a baby and said, “Maybe we should give this to another baby. I have already read it”.

5) Be empathetic to your child

Empathy begins at home. When it is experienced by a child, it will come naturally to him/her for others. Misbehavior does not mean that the child deliberately intends to hurt someone. It could mean a call for attention and if a parent is empathetic, it can be extinguished within no time when the need behind it is fulfilled.

Conclusion

Empathy can build a leader. A leader who thinks about what impact his/ her decisions might have on his employees is more likely to be successful than a leader who uses empathy to manipulate responses.

Insight builds a visionary. It allows for building healthy relationships with others. A child who has a healthy relationship with his/her teacher and friends in class may excel at academics.

Thus, it is evident that these two life skills are at the foundation of a meaningful, creative, significant, and happy life.

Keep your eyes on my next blog for another engaging read.

References:

Hirsh-Pasek, K., Golinkoff, R. M., & Eyer, D. E. (2008). Einstein never used flash cards: how our children really learn--and why they need to play more and memorize less. New York: MJF Books.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your childs developing mind. New York: Bantam books trade paperbacks.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2019). The yes brain: how to cultivate courage, curiosity, and resilience in your child. New York: Bantam.