Learning life skills through an Integrated Brain

Put up your hand if you wish for your child to be successful in life. But how does one define success in the 21st century? Have we equipped our kids well with the tools they need to navigate through this extremely globalized, complex and fast-changing world of ours? Recent reports by the world economic forum suggest that some basic life skills outweigh academic skills by a huge margin, in becoming the key determinants of success in today’s world.

The good news is that these life skills can be developed in a child as early as age 3. The enormous amount of scientific research that underlies child development, points to a fascinating fact that all of us must be aware of. A child’s brain is like a sponge and at its peak of development between ages 0-5. The millions of connections that are forming rapidly in the brain at that tender age, can shape a bright future if a correct direction is given. These formative years can become the building blocks of a successful life story.

As parents, we could use this information to our advantage, if we can serve up a platter of healthy life skills such as resilience, empathy, balance, insight, perseverance, critical thinking, communication, etc to maximize the cognitive potential of the brain. In simple language, the IQ, EQ, Social and emotional skills must go hand in hand to design success.

Although that sounds like a lot of work, it boils down to understanding the simple functioning of a child’s brain at that age and what one can do as a parent/caregiver to ignite the development of these key skills. Here I present to you all this and more, in my step by step approach.

An Integrated Brain

What does integration mean?

Simply put, integration means teamwork. When the different parts of the brain work together as a team, they contribute in their own individual and unique ways to generate a result.

Concepts that explain an 'integrated brain'

When my little one was 14 months old, I stumbled upon pure brilliance in the form of Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne’s work. Their work in neuroscience and neuropsychiatry has unearthed some simple and effective concepts that one could use to facilitate integration in the brain.

1) Understanding the left brain, right brain concept

To simplify this concept, Daniel Siegel proposed dividing the brain into a left and a right side.

Structurally, the left and the right sides of the brain are connected by nerve fibres that run from one side to another (copus callosum). So this suggests that the brain has the basic hardware to function in an integrated way.

But the software needs to be installed in the brain so that these connections get stronger. The software is the child's own ability to integrate the different parts of the brain in thought while dealing with an experience in life. Let’s delve deeper, to understand how this software works.

The left brain likes order. It deals with language, analysis, logic, sequences, reading and writing abilities, abstract thinking, etc.

On the other hand, the right brain likes experiences. It deals with creativity, imagination, perception of non-verbal communication (facial expression, tone of voice, posture) etc.

Simply put, the left brain likes to focus on the detail, and the right brain is more holistic and focuses on the 'big picture'. Thus when these two halves of the brain come together, they offer a complete experience of learning. Life skills learnt using this approach, are more advanced, and can effectively set the stage for success.

Now take a moment to imagine what would happen if these parts of the brain functioned as separate entities. Your child would be extremely orderly but lack emotion if only the left brain was functioning. In the reign of the right brain, your child may end up as an emotional mess, but wouldn’t know how to organize her/his thoughts. So, either too much control or complete chaos. I bet you can now understand why integration matters.

How can I use the left brain, right brain concept to connect with my child?

Simple, everyday conversations can be turned into effective learning tools for some key life skills.

A) Connect to redirect

Just like you, I have had moments when my darling daughter bawls her eyes out because her cookie broke into 2 because I vacuumed her room because I did not ask her before cleaning her nose and the list is endless. But there’s something I have come to understand that has made these interactions with her more meaningful, for both of us.

One afternoon, I was deeply engrossed with some reading, when I heard my daughter calling from the other room. She was up from her afternoon siesta. My husband noticed how absorbed I was in reading, and offered to go and attend to our daughter.

Within minutes she bolted down the small passage into my room crying inconsolably. The first words I heard were “Mommy, I don’t love you!” and I simply couldn’t believe my ears.

She repeated those words, as I said, “You look upset, and are so mad at me right now”.

She came closer and continued to sob. I pulled her close and comforted her saying “Is that because I didn’t come to meet you after you woke up?”

She gave me a tight hug, and nodded between tears.

As I gently rubbed her back, I said “I can see this is just so hard for you. You were expecting something different and did not like what happened”.

I could feel her tiny body calming down with each word I said, and I continued “Mommy is right here by your side”.

It worked like a charm and she said, “Mommy I can’t see, can you wipe my tears?”

I knew I had connected with her successfully. Next step was to redirect her attention to something more important.

Wiping her tears gently, I said “Sometimes, mommy can be busy with work. But it does not mean that I have forgotten you. You are important to me, and I love you and think of you all the time”.

So as you can see, I connected and then redirected her attention to something I thought was more important. It became a teaching moment. She took an important step towards learning to be resilient that day. It taught her that what she expects, may not always be the case. But the sooner she accepts her disappointment and recovers from it, the better equipped she will be to deal with more such experiences, from a calm, collected place in her brain.

Being reactive can block resilience, whereas being receptive can promote it.

Some points to remember along the way are;

1) Your child’s emotion is real. So, always acknowledge it. It may seem absurd that your 3-year-old is upset that there are no more lollipops in your storage. But know that, the intensity of her emotion could match your’s if you were to express yourself after losing your job.

2) Use your own right brain to connect. Use a soothing touch, calm tone, relaxed body language, eye contact if possible.

3) Know that these feelings are important in your child’s world. My daughter does not see eye to eye with me when I tell her to move her teddy from my kitchen platform. She doesn’t get that I don’t visualize my kitchen to be a place for toys to hang out. But to her, she is ‘having lunch with her teddy’ or ‘serving breakfast to teddy’ or ‘enjoying a picnic’. These, are in fact important steps in her development, and I can only embrace them if I have the right frame of mind.

4) Go over your child’s experiences repeatedly to allow them to make peace with big emotions. When my little one fell off her tricycle one day, she couldn’t get over the fall. I saw that the reason for her bawling wasn’t the fall itself, but the fear of falling. It kept her from using her tricycle. After she was calm, I took the time to ‘go over’ the incident, using my left brain this time (adding logic and order to the incident). I made sure to acknowledge her feelings by using “That did not feel good, I am sure” and such affirmative sentences. As I went over the incident, she filled in the gaps with her own emotions and together we completed the picture for her. We came up with strategies she could use to avoid the fall next time around. By the end of the chat, she had used both the left and right sides of her brain and devised her own solution, making peace with the incident itself.

B) Redirect

Don’t we all look for ‘teaching moments’ with our kids during our interactions with them? To redirect is nothing but create a teaching moment out of the incident subtly, enough for the child to learn the lesson you wish to teach.

1) It is important to connect before redirecting, so that the child is in a more receptive state of mind, and is willing to understand or at least listen to what you have to say.

2) Avoid long lectures, and keep it simple and to the point.

3) Redirecting misbehaviour does not mean becoming permissive. Boundaries are essential and redirection comes only after the rules have been laid out.

4) Remember that whatever you tell your child, is going to contribute towards her/his learning, and so consider the child’s developmental age before you begin to redirect. If your child is sleepy or hungry, or simply tired from a tantrum, it is good to wait for the right moment to redirect.

2) Understanding the concept of 'the stairway in the brain'

Daniel Siegel suggests that we imagine the brain to be a 2 storied house.

The downstairs brain is where the lower parts of the brain (limbic system and brainstem) reside which are responsible for basic functions such as breathing, impulse control, fight, and flight reactions (for emotions like anger, fear, nervousness) etc.

The upstairs brain is where the more complex part of the brain (the cerebral cortex and the prefrontal cortex) reside that facilitate planning, execution, order, self-control, empathy, understanding etc.

The stairway that connects the upper and lower parts of the brain (upstairs and downstairs) is under construction or hasn’t formed yet (very young tots), in a child’s brain. Hence the immediate result of a child’s exposure to disappointment and unexpected circumstance is to react and not respond.

As caregivers, however, it is possible for us to connect this stairway or build it in a way that the upstairs brain communicates with the downstairs brain. Now, the brain is not functioning in parts anymore, but as a whole.

In the light of this, it is interesting to note that brain development is not complete until the age of 28.

What can I do to build the stairway?

A) Connect with the upstairs brain, but don’t disturb the downstairs brain

Two days ago, my sweet pea was not in a mood to go down for her afternoon nap. After her usual nap time story, I noticed that she was beginning to get restless. She had begun to talk louder and was trying to be playful.

At first, I used connect to redirect and said: “You look like you are fresh from the story”.

“yes” came the quick reply and before she could go on, I added, “ The ducks at the pond may not like if a sleepy child throws food at them”.

I had her attention there, and she paused and asked: “Where are the ducks?”

I continued, “ Remember we discussed going to the pond this evening, after your nap? How about we come up with a plan to make you feel sleepy so we can relax?”

We put our brains together and came up with a plan, as per her direction. It is routine for us to read before nap time, and she decided she wanted me to read another story before she went down for her nap. However, I got to pick a story of my choice.

By suggesting gently and laying out options, I invited her upstairs brain to participate in the decision-making process. Had I lectured her, or chided her for her behaviour, I would end up enraging her downstairs brain.

The negotiation process facilitated teamwork, and we arrived at a viable solution through mutual understanding.

B) Use it or lose it

If you are the one making decisions for your child, you may be keeping her/him from using her/his upstairs brain. Instead, offer choices.

For example “Would you like to wear a blue dress or a pink one today?” or “How about some watermelon after dinner?" There is science here too.

The upstairs brain weighs the alternatives and this is called ‘executive decision making’. Its like choosing from a menu at a restaurant. Your brain makes the choice based on several alternatives and weighs each one before zeroing down on a dish.

If this function of the brain is not exercised well, it will be pruned eventually, and the child may have trouble making decisions in her/his life.

C) Help your child understand her/his feelings

When my daughter picked the pink doll over the blue one at a local store one day, I asked “What made you chose the pink one? Is there something special about her?”

Even though it may have been a choice on impulse, I had invited her upstairs brain to think about her feelings for her preferred choice.

On days when she is bored and asks me about what she could do, I simply say “Do you think you could find something to do in your room?” I may give her options if that doesn’t work.

By allowing her control over her choices , I try to invite her upstairs brain to weigh her feelings about some activities over others.

D) Empathy

My daughter loves the swing at the park, and it is usually a struggle for her to give up the swing to another child. Her first reaction is an impulsive one, but then I say " Looks like that little girl is sad because she isn’t getting her turn at the swing today” and pause.

At times, this works and she gives it up and on other occasions, it doesn't work.

Then I persist “we have been on the swing for a while now. This swing is for everyone, that little girl is waiting for her turn”. This allows her to look at the world from another’s perspective and helps build an all-important skill along the way.

The science behind this is that of ‘mirror neurons’. Mirror neurons (nerve cells) are those neurons that fire when the child observes a behaviour in another person that she has experienced herself, before. Also, neurons that fire together, wire together. So if this process is repeated a few times, it forms a pathway in the brain that becomes a learnt memory.

As you can see, an integrated brain is pretty much the need of the hour. This is the ammo that a child needs to launch the rocket of the life skills that can make up a successful life.

Watch out for my next blog as I unveil the science and the secrets behind individual life skills.

References:

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012).The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child's developing mind. New York: Bantam books trade paperbacks.