Food is an experience, so feed with love

I had a different title for this blog on my mind, but then I was reminded of what my little girl said to me some time ago. One afternoon, she made herself a cup of tea in her play kitchen and sat next to me enjoying every sip. Right before that, I watched her relish her plastic broccoli as if it were the best tasting food on earth. Alas! this was all make-believe and I wondered what went through her mind as she ate pretend food.

So I asked, “What comes to your mind when I say the word ‘food’?” to which she said, “I experience my food!” I was bowled over by her response and decided to delve deeper into her feelings, so I inquired, “What is your experience like?” and she responded by saying, “A taste”. Fortunately, I was catching her on camera long before this conversation happened. It was one of those moments that made it to the list of my favourite memories raising her.

Nonetheless, our journey thus far was anything but a smooth ride. I would say we’re still learning. But what has helped me sail through is being open to change. I was prepared to shed my beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours several times along the way to adapt, accept, and grow with what my child was teaching me. I read voraciously before my darling daughter approached the all-important milestone of weaning to solids. I watched podcasts, followed experts, and even became a keen listener to the conversations my friends with older kids had. I worried myself sick over their woes and became overly empathetic toward their concerns.

All this, only to realize a couple of years later that my journey was quite different from theirs. Although every single thing experts told me didn’t always work, I did a pretty good job at integrating my connection with my daughter into the process of feeding. I’m not telling you that I did not face feeding anxiety. I did, big time! But I evolved and persisted. Let me share some of my experiences, research, and reading here with you.

Ellyn Satter, psychotherapist, pediatric dietitian, author, and the ‘go-to authority’ on raising and feeding kids in a loving way, says “When feeding is going well, it is like a smoothly flowing conversation. The parent offers food skillfully and the child takes it willingly”. Today, I quite firmly believe this, but 2 years ago when I worried about why my toddler wasn’t eating enough, why she was throwing more food off the high chair tray than eating, and why she didn’t like some foods, I would have strongly rubbished this statement.

It is true that the way to get a child to eat is not to ‘try’. I hear you protest as you read this, but I’ve been in your shoes before, and it isn’t until you experience it that you come to believe it. My little one was such a pleasure to feed as a baby and I felt in complete control of everything. It all changed when toddlerhood was upon us. I was confused and wondered what suddenly went wrong.

Like any other milestone, eating and feeding develop with time. When we get stuck in a routine, what hits us most is the overnight change in our kids. At this juncture, it makes complete sense to introduce you to the ‘Division of responsibility in feeding’.

Division of Responsibility

If feeding is a conversation, then each person in the conversation gets a turn. The parent controls and is responsible for the ‘what’, ‘where’, and ‘when’ of feeding. Whereas, the child is responsible for and controls the ‘how much’ and the ‘whether’ of eating.

In other words, as parents, we are responsible for what food we serve our children, and when and where we serve it. Our children on the other hand are responsible for how much to eat and whether to eat any of it or nothing at all. When we take over the child’s responsibility, like trying to get him/her to eat certain types of food or amounts of food, we are heading for trouble. If we get into trouble with feeding, our kids will get into trouble with eating.

Why the division of responsibility?

As I tried hard to practice and digest this concept of division of responsibility, I stumbled upon an ‘aha’ moment. I realized how quickly the tide was changing. One day at lunchtime, I served my 18-month-old and calmly put the plate before her. She got busy studying the plate as I joined her at the table. I began eating as she gazed over at me as if to hint to me, that the game has begun.

I felt that familiar pang of anxiety coming hard, but I gulped it down with resolve and decided I was not going to give in. I sat there quietly as she played and prodded with her food. She threw some off her tray and looked at me for a reaction. I calmly picked it up and said, “food is to eat, toys are to play” and continued eating. It was a tense 15 minutes of eating with occasional throwing and she hardly ate a couple of bites of her food. She ate all of the fruit and yogurt that followed, though.

Yes, I worried, but I decided to let her take responsibility. We went through our routine and after naptime that day at snack time, she ate everything that was offered to her. I thought it was probably because she didn’t eat lunch very well and felt a huge wave of mom guilt consume me. But dinner was smoother than I thought.

It took me more time than her to understand this concept, for she always knew it. Having said that, my gain from this experience was that she was extremely capable of recognizing her hunger and satiety if I let her. The words of Ellyn Satter echoed loud in my head day after day as I got more confident with this method. “You can control choosing nutritious food and make mealtimes pleasant, but you can never control children when they don’t want to eat’. This is indeed a powerful mantra and you may want to read it again before you let it sink in.

Applying division of responsibility at different stages:

1) Infant stage:

The parent is responsible for – what he/she offers to the child to eat

Children are responsible for – how much they eat

2) Toddler stage and Preschool stage:

The parent is responsible for;

a) Not treating tots and preschoolers like babies

b) Offering regular, structured meals with no grazing / continued snacking in between mealtimes

Children are responsible for;

a) Joining in family meals

b) Mastering food and sociability of the family

c) Learning mealtime table manners

Research has proven that problems that start in toddlerhood and preschool years, typically have started long before. Each stage in eating is based on the one before. But interestingly, the best parents are not those who know all the answers, are convinced of the rightness of their way, and those who never swerve from it. They are the ones who are sufficiently tuned in to their child’s cues and are aware when something isn’t working. This is close to my heart and I apply this formula to all aspects of parenting.

The Do’s and don’ts of feeding a baby ( typically 6 – 12 months)

This was the best part of my feeding journey with my sweet pea and I have loads to share in this regard. However due to the limited scope of this write-up, I shall let you in on some interesting, but empowering research I picked up along the way.

The tilt and mouthing

Occupational therapist, author, and feeding therapist Marsha Dunn Klein talks of the ‘tilt’ and mouthing in her book ‘Prefeeding skills’. She points out that a baby gets ready to eat when he/she has explored a lot through mouthing fingers, toys, the corner of a blanket, etc (keeping safety in mind, obviously). In this process, the child tones down his/her gag reflex (It is a reflex that is triggered by touching an object to the back of the tongue/palate) and makes the mouth less sensitive to taste and texture.

My little girl’s first visit to my home country was when she was 9 months old. By the end of the trip, I lost count of how many people told me it was not okay to allow her to mouth her toys. Some adults even took the liberty of preventing her from doing so. However, I was aware of the benefits of mouthing from the outset, and then this read made me more confident in my beliefs. So, I happily ignored all the meaningful advice and continued to let her have a taste, feel the texture, shape, and simply relish the experience of her world.

Klein also discusses the ‘tilt’ or the physical positioning of the parent and child relative to each other while feeding. With problem feeding, the tilt is always toward the child. The parent leans forward, encouraging, pushing, and even forcing the child to eat. The child in response leans back, considering avoiding and resisting the parent’s advances. She suggests that it is important that the parent and child meet in the middle – where the parent holds the food out and the child permits the parent by opening his/her mouth wide and leaning forward toward the food being offered. Some experts also call this as feeding being ‘synchronous’.

Here again, there is a subtle division of responsibility where if the baby demands to be fed fast out of excitement, the parent obliges. Whereas if the baby conveys that she/he has had enough, the parent stops. The aim is never to ‘finish’ what is in the bowl or ‘try to push if the baby could take just one more spoonful’.

The Do’s

1) Have the baby’s permission before you offer any food:

My baby girl would cringe sometimes to the taste of new foods and so I had to start by touching the spoon to her lips and have her take a lick before she could open wide. She would taste it, and if she didn’t like it, her expression told me I needed to stop. If I ignored, she would purse her lips tightly denying permission to be fed. If she liked it, she would leap at it and show enthusiasm in demanding more.

2) Do not rush weaning:

I thought I was so well prepared with feeding that I began with great gusto the day my little girl decided to sit upright and showed all other signs of readiness. To my dismay, she squirmed and cringed with the very first spoon and it all ended too soon. But I tried again in a week and to my delight, she was quite a different baby. She ate like she was interested and from then on, it was fun feeding her.

3) Look for the key signs of readiness:

a) The child must be able to sit upright without support, and hold his/her head steady

b) Keep an eye on the oromotor development (development of the muscles around the baby’s mo-uth). To learn to eat, the baby must master the mechanics of eating, and hence the development of muscles and nerves around the mouth is essential.

To swallow effectively, the baby will need to gather food with the tongue, propel it to the back of the throat past the opening of the windpipe. If the swallowing is incomplete, the baby may choke because food may remain at the back of his/her tongue and with a deep breath like while giggling, or in excitement, it may enter the windpipe.

c) The extrusion reflex (the tongue moves forward as soon as it touches the lips), also known as the tongue- thrust must vanish. In the event that feeding is done before this, the food will be pushed out and the tongue will not flatten when the food is placed in the mouth.

d) The baby shows a keen interest in food when you eat. Eating in front of your child is not rude, but in fact, allows the child to become familiar with the process of eating. When little ones lean over with pools of saliva oozing out of their tiny mouths to grab that sandwich that you are working on, they may be truly interested.

4) Choose food that is developmentally appropriate. Whether you decided to go the traditional weaning way, or the self-feeding way, try to gain a complete understanding of the type of foods you can offer before you begin. Foods like grapes are slippery in nature, and the sheer size of it is overwhelming for a younger baby to maneuver. It can be a potential choking hazard. Remember that a younger baby is still learning to chew the food. Due to the lack of strength in the muscles of his/her cheeks, this baby would rather swallow than chew.

Some key don’ts

1) Don’t fret over gagging. Gagging is normal between 4 – 6 months and is the strongest at around 4 months. When a baby gags, he/she is capable of maneuvering the food in the mouth so it could either come back out or to the middle of the tongue, enough to chew. Avoid reacting with fear or alarm or you may frighten your child and make the gagging worse. If however gagging persists beyond 12 months or occurs much too frequently before that, professional help must be sought.

2) Avoid going by a set schedule and go by the baby’s cues of hunger.

3) Avoid feeding big chunks of food early on and offer small pieces good enough for the baby to handle chewing.

4) Do not substitute breastmilk or formula milk with solids. Up to the age of 12 months, the baby derives his / her major nutrition from breastmilk/ formula and solids cannot become a replacement

5) If a baby has to struggle/ fight for every mouthful of food, it is likely that to him/her the world is not a trustworthy place as he/she grows older as far as eating and feeding are concerned

6) Don’t stop offering the rejected food to your older baby. Research has shown that for a baby/tot/preschooler trying new food could take anywhere between 5 – 20 attempts before he/she finally swallows it and likes it.

An infant’s ability to remain calm and alert and build trust with a parent provides the foundation for a toddler’s autonomy and a preschooler’s desire to please the parent at all that he/she does, including eating.

Feeding the independent toddler (typically between 12 months – 3 years) :

Throughout the feeding journey, it is beneficial if the parent makes feeding decisions based on what the child can do and not on how old the child is. A toddler is growing to develop autonomy and has strong likes and dislikes towards certain types of foods. Separation and Individuation begin during the second half of the 1st year.

This was the beginning of my woes, but I grew to recognize and realize that it was my rigidity to accept change overnight that stood in my way. Once I had understood that it is the norm, my outlook changed drastically, and I began to enjoy the process. It was important for me to allow my tot to test her limits through her experiences, for her to develop autonomy. I kept it simple. I neither allowed her to control me nor did I control her. I maintained the division of responsibility throughout this phase, and although it was hard at times, I survived just fine.

Offering a structure to her feeding schedule, and exercising limits gently helped me. I have attached a picture of a page from my book that I so dedicatedly maintained during those times. I made sure I maintained a written record of her intake during each meal, so it gave me an understanding of the food she ate over a week. This kept anxiety at bay and on days where she hardly ate or did not eat, I worried less. Teething and sleep regression were the hardest times for us, but we reminded ourselves constantly that she is in control of the ‘how’ and ‘whether’ to eat.

Her feeding pattern was erratic and she would fall in love with food one day and hate it the next. She ate a lot on some days and ate poorly on others. My enthusiastic and creative plating of items on her plate would often be turned down, and she would be happy feasting on one of the items. The bottom line was clear, she didn’t eat if she didn’t want to and I couldn’t change a thing no matter how creative I got.

Some tips to keep a toddler interested in food

1) Plan meals and snacks

2) The child must be hungry, not famished before getting to the table

3) Eat with the child and eat at the table

4) Avoid running after the child with food in your hand to feed him/her

5) Set limits on running around while eating. Designate an area for eating. This can help facilitate table manners, and prevent distraction during eating. We tried our best to adhere to this, even when we were outdoors. After storytime at the library, I would seat her on the chairs outside and feed her. At the park, we would sit on a bench and take a break from play while we ate.

6) Serve family meals, and avoid prepping special meals. I did, however, make sure that the portion I served her did not contain as much spice, salt, or sugar as an adult portion would.

7) Allow your tot to choose from what you serve and let her/him decide on how much to eat

8) Do not force-feed

9) Enticing, bribing, rewarding and pleading are not the correct measures that facilitate the love for food in a child. These are temporary methods and while they may get your child to eat, they are not solutions in the long term. They fail to instill a sense of satiety or fullness, communication of feelings related to food, or inculcate motivation to eat.

10) Serve smaller portions so that the child is not overwhelmed with food

11) Have no expectations from the child about ‘finishing what is served’. This can suck the joy out of eating and is a clear sign of pressure/control

12) Make family mealtimes pleasant and avoid arguments/debates with other members of the family or scolding the child at mealtimes

13) Avoid any distractions such as screens (T.V, Cell phones, iPad, etc) or books during a meal

14) Eat with your child and try avoiding setting the child up for meals alone

15) Serve a variety of foods

This stage taught me that I cannot rush natural development. If I respected her timetable more than my own agendas and waited for her skills to emerge, I overcame the struggle of feeding quite naturally and respected the developmental tempo.

Feeding the self-aware preschooler:

In her book, ‘First bite. How we learn to eat’, award-winning food writer Bee Wilson writes that “eating is psychology as much as nutrition. How we feel about food is important and eating is learned. It isn’t something we are born with’. This helps me organize my thoughts with my preschooler now.

My 3-year-old amazes me with her skill but tests the limits of my patience. She’s exceptionally adept at identifying her body’s cues of hunger and satiety. But she can lose herself to pretend play when she is full and consequently lose interest in eating. She’s adventurous with new foods but doesn’t take to them before trying them a few times. She can drive me up the wall if she decides to bang her feet incessantly against the plastic footrest of her highchair.

A preschooler hasn’t developed self-control yet, and hence, although he/she may be aware of table manners or rules at the dinner table, it may not always be possible to enforce them. But at this stage, the child may imitate a parent, and look for praise, and positive reinforcements, and hence one must be careful of how this aspect is managed. I often revert to enjoying my own meal and express my feelings aloud. My little girl then imitates me and in the process, her attention is redirected to her food.

Most 3-year-olds are curious and will follow you around in the kitchen. I have a little stool for her to get up on the kitchen platform and she often helps me with cooking. Her involvement in cooking makes her proud and then eating comes quite naturally. She feels accomplished and comfortable to eat. Children, this age can often be involved in meal preparation, serving themselves, and laying out the table before a meal. This makes them an active participant in the process of eating, and mealtimes more satisfying and enjoyable.

Recently she was cutting her molars and was not interested in eating a full meal. I said, “I like your company at the table. Why don’t you come and join us? It’s okay if you don’t want to eat”. She beamed and readily agreed to join us. Within minutes she asked for a ‘small’ portion of food from my plate and eventually ended up eating from her own plate. I believe she felt important that I had invited her to join us and allowed her to take a call on whether she wanted to eat or not. I’m unsure if this will work a second time around, but I am not complaining.

Ellen Satter believes that it is okay to encourage a child to eat. But it is crucial to know the difference between encouragement and forcing the child. My husband often says, “Did you try your …? You may like it” if she ignores something on her plate. Nevertheless, we do not expect her to try it because we suggest it. We are always open to the idea that she may not take interest in it. I love how Satter puts it when she says, “Children can’t be passionate about eating vegetables if they are not allowed to be passionate about eating ice cream”.

The mindful eater

Mindful eating is all about noticing thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and your immediate environment without judgment. Practicing mindfulness yourself, before instilling mindfulness in your child is important. We often talk about our day before mealtime. That gives us a quiet moment instead of rushing into it. Mealtime traditions such as saying grace or being thankful for the food on your plate is also quite an effective tool to practice mindfulness. I encourage my daughter to talk about the colour, texture, and taste, of the food. We often listen to our cheerios crackling in the bowl and describe our crispy poppadums crumbling while we eat.

Answers to a few questions I had in my feeding journey

1) Why does my child throw food from the high-chair?

When my munchkin was around 18 months old, she had begun throwing her food off the high-chair. At first, I thought it was an indication, she was done eating, and I reinforced politely that she had to say “all done” instead of throwing food. But when it didn’t work, I began to wonder what was happening. My reading told me that she was a curious toddler and was exploring ‘cause and effect’. She watched for a reaction from me, and if I began to get upset, she would try harder. I learned that I needed to be patient and as I have mentioned earlier in this write-up, calmly tell her what to do instead of what not to. I admit it was frustrating, and I have been in a black mood at times. But eventually, it settled down and disappeared as mysteriously as it came. What I did do though was, I involved my little girl in cleaning the mess she made. Without judgment, using a neutral tone I would tell her, “Uh oh, looks like you’re going to help mommy clean up after lunch”.

2) Do I need to make food look interesting for my child to eat?

To be honest with you, I have tried this one. For me, it did not work. If it does for you, there is no harm in trying it out.

While I agree that food should be presentable, I do not believe that it must be any different from what you may be eating. This is quite contrary to the popular belief, I am aware and most food companies market their products based on this too. However, if your relationship with your child in feeding is structured on a strong foundation, this may not necessary.

3) My child is a ‘fussy’ eater

All of us have choices, likes, and dislikes. If your child has preferences, that is only natural. If he/she is hesitant in trying new foods, you may want to try one of the suggestions above. If however your child only eats a certain type of food and simply doesn’t take to eating anything else, it is best to consult a professional for direction.

4) My child is not ready to self-feed

Children want and need to feel competent about eating. They learn to eat a variety of food and take responsibility for their own eating when they are regularly offered food in a no-pressure environment. No pressure means getting a meal on the table and eating with the child instead of feeding him/her.

5) Can I have a conversation with my child during mealtimes?

Family meals are all about bonding. In fact, a preschooler may look forward to being with a parent than eating itself. Mealtime conversations are healthy and must be included.

However, it does not mean that a child must become the center of a conversation, and demand to be a part of all conversations. I remember as a child, it was so much fun listening in on my parent’s conversations about politics and the world even though I would not understand much. It is important to teach your child to become a good listener and take turns while conversing during mealtimes. He/she can listen in and the parent can at times simplify the topic to include the child. All conversations should be lighthearted and not stressful in any way.

6) What activities can the child do right before mealtime?

Getting a child overly excited or distracted can shift his/her focus from mealtime. Instead, a calming activity such as reading a book or playing with something sensory or colouring/painting can help set the mood.

7) My child takes a long time to eat

Preschoolers are playful and may not be focussed after they have reached satiety. They may eat what is served at times but may take their own sweet time. This is developmental but can interfere with planning the day. Set a limit and beyond which mealtime may be terminated. I often allow for an extra 20 minutes after we are all done with lunch/dinner and then inform my daughter that she may have to give up her plate soon. It alerts her and over time she has understood that it is a focussed activity that is also subject to a time limit.

8) How do I warn my child that she may feel hungry if she does not eat?

Toddlers are learning to be self-aware and preschoolers are well aware of the messages their bodies send when they are hungry. In her toddler days, I would often tell my girl, “You are eating because you feel hungry and your stomach lets you know. You are responsible for how you respond to the messages your stomach sends to you. If you ignore them, you may have to wait until the next meal”. It took a while before she understood, but now she can articulate her emotions in this regard. She says, “I am not feeling hungry now, can I eat later?” or “My tummy is telling me I am hungry and if I don’t eat then I will have to wait till snack time”.

9) Can I offer snacks between meals?

Ideally, 3 meals (breakfast included) and 2 snacks are recommended by experts and professionals. Adding an extra snack/drink is called ‘grazing’ or ‘snacking between meals’ that must be avoided. If the child is not adequately hungry at mealtime, chances are that there will be no motivation to eat.

10) Is snacking in the car a good idea?

This is understandable when the journey is a long one. But if it is during the day such as a pickup or a drop off from school/daycare/ soccer practice it is equal to grazing. Having said that, usually after school/daycare/soccer practice, children can get hungry and, in that case, these times must be counted as ‘snack time’ and no added snacks must then be provided before meals.

If children are fed in an age-appropriate way that respects their feelings and cues, they eat to the limits of their abilities and a parent is able to then enjoy a positive and rewarding feeding relationship with them.

I would like to mention that this write up is in no way a substitute for medical or professional advice of any kind. To understand nutrition, caloric intake, normal values and requirements, dietary restrictions, etc, please contact a designated professional.

I hope you have enjoyed this read and feel motivated enough to try these suggestions with your child. Stay connected for another interesting read.

REFERENCES

Dawn Earnesty, M. (2018, October 02). Teaching kids the art of mindful eating. Retrieved July 20, 2020, frhttps://www.canr.msu.edu/news/teaching_kids_the_art_of_mindful_eating

Satter, E. (2000). Child of mine: Feeding with love and good sense. Palo Alto, CA: Bull Pub.

Wilson, B., & Lee, A. (2016). First bite: How we learn to eat. London: 4th Estate.

https://www.nutrition.org.uk/healthyliving/fuller/understanding-satiety-feeling-full-after-a-meal.html?tmpl=component&print=1