The Resilient mind

Little people have a very narrow window of tolerance when it comes to sharing. My little one at 2 was no different. She would almost always end up at the receiving end and have her toy taken during play. At first, her only coping mechanism was crying inconsolably until the toy was back in her hands. But over time as I introduced her to resilience, her outlook changed.

I did not attempt to change the experience for her. I was simply present with her during the experience, shared my calm, and taught her to recognize her feelings.

All children can deal with disappointments and adversities. They are all able to cope with difficulties, big and small. However, the ability to bounce back from facing stress, anxiety, trauma, etc develops as the child grows. This ability is called Resilience. It is not something we as parents instill in a child, but in fact, it is a life skill that we could help develop along the way.

Adjusting to a new school environment, being bullied, playground politics, trying out a new sport, coping with the loss of a loved one, are all real-life situations where kids need the power of resilience to be able to get on with their lives.

For the little ones, this may mean fighting sleep and hunger at the same time, lacking the ability to take turns, struggling with dressing up, frustration during play, giving up on a task that is hard, coping with boredom, meeting new people, irked by a sibling’s behavior, etc.

My daughter’s first reaction to the problem she faced was to cry, which was a built-in mechanism to call for attention. So, she was well equipped with a coping strategy. However, by teaching her to recognize her ability to deal with the challenges she faced, I was helping her develop her basic skill.

Let me introduce you to some tools I used and give you a background to using these tools for your parenting toolbox.

Why do our children need resilience?

According to some statistics made available by the WHO, 10-20% of children, and adolescents experience mental health problems. The Center for Disease Control and prevention in the United States came up with an alarming statistic. A whopping 4.4 million (7.1%) children between the ages of 3-17 years face the diagnosis of anxiety and approximately 1.9 million (3.2%) children were diagnosed with depression.

But despite these dismal figures, the good news is that resilience can prevent an emotional breakdown and promote conscious independence in a child. Resilient children are more confident outside of their comfort zones, more curious, and can develop an insight that helps them navigate through difficulties. This life skill can be developed early, through some simple strategies, and knowledge of the basic function of the child’s brain.

What about the brain is important to know?

1) Like in a car, there is a brake and an accelerator in our body as well. Let me explain. The functions of internal organs in our body are controlled by the autonomic nervous system (ANS). There are 2 parts of this system, one acts as an accelerator and is called the Sympathetic nervous system (SNS). The other acts like a brake and is called the Parasympathetic nervous system (PNS).

2) The accelerator (SNS) ramps up the release of some chemicals (adrenalin, cortisol) that make us breathe faster, perspire, increase our heart rate, blood pressure, etc. In simple terms, it generates energy, makes us alert and we can experience the fight or flight response.

3) The PNS, on the other hand, can put the brakes on the acceleratory response created by the SNS. It has a more calming, relaxing effect on our nerves.

4) The amygdala is a part of the brain that controls emotion. It is also associated with the formation of memories through experiences.

What effect does stress have on the brain?

Stress enhances the activity of the SNS (increased heart rate, fast breathing, rise in blood pressure, etc) and this is sensed by the Amygdala that releases toxic chemicals (adrenalin, cortisol) in the body. This response creates an ‘alert state’, which is beneficial in case of danger.

It is that reflex your child may experience when she/he senses a fall and saves herself/himself from having that fall. It is an incredible internal mechanism to protect the body.

But in stress, this alertness lasts for too long, which then has a negative influence on the immune system and parts of the brain. Thus, intense fear, anger, or frustration can make decision making almost impossible.

Simply put, the child will not be able to control her/his bodily responses in a given situation, and thus act inappropriately.

My little girl was learning to dress and got into a tricky situation once. We were getting ready to go somewhere, and she could put her jacket on but struggled with the zipper. She worked at it diligently for a few minutes before flying off the handle. Finally, she took off her jacket and flung it across the room in a rage.

This was when her amygdala was active, and she was in a state of stress. It took her a while to calm down after which her energy was reduced to half and she was not interested in going out anymore. All she wanted was to cuddle and return to a balanced state of mind again.

What is the balance?

Balance is restored when the SNS and PNS are in sync and are interacting fluidly with each other. It is a state when the amygdala is not firing impulsively, and the stairway to the brain (refer to my previous blog for details) is available for connecting the upstairs brain and the downstairs brain.

Simply put, this is when the child can think for herself/himself and make decisions. Thus, the short-term goal ideally, must be balanced, and the long-term goal is resilience.

Strategies to promote balance:

1) The healthy mind platter

Daniel Siegel proposed the idea of a ‘healthy mind platter’ to foster balance in a child’s life.

a) Focus time: refers to structured tasks where a child’s complete attention is required (task-based learning, school, homework, etc).

b) Playtime refers to free play.

c) Connecting time refers to any social interaction the child may have in-person with another individual (friends, neighbors, relatives, etc).

d) Physical time: refers to movement-oriented play (running, jumping, skipping, etc)

e) Time-in refers to reflection focusing on bodily sensations, images, feelings, etc

f) Downtime: refers to some form of relaxation where focussed attention is not required (reading books for pleasure, singing, storytime, etc)

g) Sleep time: refers to the rest a child’s brain needs to consolidate any sort of learning (A child must get an adequate amount of sleep as per her/his age requirements).

2) A solid parent-child relationship

This is not about being permissive but being supportive. One evening at the mall playground, my baby girl simply didn’t want to come home. When I told her, it was time to go home, she began to protest quite vocally crying loudly. I stood my ground but offered support through my presence. I hugged her and said “You really want to play, don’t you? This is so hard for you. I understand and I am right here by your side”.

By saying so, I was stating clearly that playtime had come to an end, but I understood her feelings and was validating them.

a) Avoid dismissing the child’s emotions

A parent may often overlook the negative experience he/she creates for a child by dismissing/ minimizing a child’s emotions. When we distract, deny, name call, shame, lecture or embarrass our children, we are suggesting something. It teaches them that showing emotion is not acceptable, and feelings should not be shared. This can have terrible negative long-term effects and the child learns to internalize emotions instead of sharing them with someone.

Born in Canada, my sweet pea has quite a high tolerance to cold weather, unlike me. The cool spring breeze gets to me, and I often need a jacket, but she won’t allow me to put one on her. She says “I don’t need a jacket, I feel hot” to which I always say, “Looks like you are okay without your jacket while I’m feeling cold”.

At 18 months, my little one developed a fear of strangers. She would be upset by anyone who spoke disrespectfully to her and feared people who had a loud voice. Her immediate response was to cry, and I simply held her close and said “It’s okay to cry. I know how you feel. I am here for you”. I avoided judging her or dismissing her feelings.

She may have been battling with a fear I did not even recognize, but by simply being there for her, I let her know that she was in a safe place with me.

b) Avoid micromanaging your child

When a parent becomes too interlinked with a child, he/she can indirectly pressurize the child by loading her/him with expectations. Such situations can often occur when your child is up on stage, performing. You may want to control the urge to direct your child in these circumstances and allow room for freedom of expression. If seeing is believing, doing is learning. If a parent fails to provide an opportunity to explore, a child may never know of her/his capabilities.

Strategies to promote Resilience

1) Provide coping mechanisms instead of focussing on bad behavior

a) My daughter had a habit of giving up if an activity/toy/situation was pushing her out of her comfort zone. She would come up with excuses, and at times she would say “I am bored with this one, can I do something else?” to which I would say, “hmm yes, it does look hard. You are right in thinking that you may need to spend more time doing it. I wonder what we could do to make it interesting?” and pause.

Then she would either jump in with a solution or abandon the activity. If she abandoned it, I would be compelled to think if

- It was something age-appropriate

- Whether she was tired, hungry, sleepy, etc

- Whether the level of difficulty was beyond her capabilities

b) Fear can sometimes play spoilsport. When my sweet pea turned 35 months, her interest in suspense stories, scary stories, etc grew. She would love reading these books before bedtime and then winding down became difficult. We tried suggesting reading alternative books, but she seemed determined.

Then we suggested the ‘Santa exercise’. All of us lay on our backs and placed one hand on the chest and one over the stomach. As we breathed deeply, we would feel our hands rise and fall. I spoke about how the tension in the body slowly disappeared with each breath.

The following night she told me she wanted to do the ‘penguin exercise’ and we repeated the same thing. With each passing night, her fear lessened, without actually changing the experience of reading those scary tales. I told her she could access this tool in any situation where she felt uncomfortable or fearful. A simple tool but was quite effective in killing the butterflies.

c) The magic of the word, ‘yet’

At times children say “I can’t do it” or “this is too hard”. That is when the word ‘yet’ helps them see that the task at hand is not actually impossible, but that they may need some practice before they can do it confidently. Simply saying “Yes, I think you are not able to do it yet” acknowledges their feelings and gives them something to look forward to.

2) Allow your child to struggle

It may seem awkward when your 3-year-old struggles with wearing her socks. You may be tempted to jump in and correct when your 2.5-year-old is learning to hold a pencil. Know that by cutting an experience short, you may be robbing the child of the learning she/ he may arrive at. It's like short-circuiting the experience and giving your own solutions. In this way, you may achieve success, but when the child is faced with a similar situation again, the struggle is back.

Have you ever bitten all your nails off, simply watching your child struggle? Has your child thrown a fit because you fixed his toy before he could? If you answered yes to those questions, I think it would help knowing when to let your child struggle and when to intervene.

The task at hand must be developmentally appropriate. A 2.5-year-old may not be ready to colour within the lines and follow instructions. Providing a blank paper and colours could impart confidence and may not suck the fun out of colouring altogether. The same child may struggle with connecting toy train tracks together, and you may want to provide verbal support while letting him figure it out himself.

3) Risk-taking is sometimes healthy

I am not suggesting that safety must be compromised at any stage. That is supreme. But a subtle warning may not create ‘fear’ in the mind of a child who may well be capable of navigating his way out of troubled waters.

“Be careful”, “You may fall” etc are our ways of warning our kids about potential dangers/risks they can face. While they may seem perfect to us, we may be sending a message that ‘risk-taking is not okay’ to our kids.

My munchkin likes to climb up on our kitchen counter and chat with me while I cook. I often find her sitting right close to the edge. I simply say "Notice that you are sitting very close to the edge of the counter” and pause. This helps direct her attention to the potential danger but allows her to evaluate her risks and take necessary steps.

4) Mindfulness goes a long way

Seigel suggests that the brain is an association machine. So, making a positive association with experience (I did it, aha!) than a negative association (I can’t do this) is critical, if you wish for your child to be resilient. Insight (self-awareness), empathy (understanding the mind of another), and integration (drawing on positive experiences) are some ways of inculcating mindfulness.

Some other simple tools are,

a) While having a snack, talk about the taste, texture, how it moves in the mouth etc.

b) Stop and listen to the sounds of birds and leaves rustling on your regular nature walks

c) Talk about how it feels when the bladder fills up, or when one feels sleepy or hungry

I taught my daughter to view her emotions like clouds. When one cloud takes over, it has to pass to make way for another one. So sadness and tears need to give way to happiness and laughter. We often blow gently on our palm and imagine we are blowing away the sadness cloud.

5) Expand the window of tolerance

a) Saying “you are nearly there” or “You are learning fast” instead of “let me show you how” can foster self-belief. This motivates the child to finish the task at hand despite it being challenging.

b) When my daughter was struggling with her scooter on a slope, I told her “ try singing, I can do it, I can do it”. She enjoyed the experience more than focussing on perfecting the act.

6) Practice resilience in your own life

Modeling resilience can allow a parent to lead by example.

a) If you know what triggers you, it is easier to identify ways of working around it.

b) Reflection and introspection allow you to think of how you can create learning from unpleasant experiences.

c) You may find that if you approach a situation with pre-formed expectations, disappointment is inevitable.

d) I have taught myself to believe that everything may not go according to plan. Having a plan B has always helped me get over my failures.

e) Finding a safe vent, to make peace with your emotions is healthy.

f) If you stick in a state of chaos for too long, you may find it hard to move on. So, fast recovery is crucial.

In conclusion, what lies at the heart of raising a resilient mind is a secure connection between you and your child. Let your child feel loved, safe, and confident in your presence.

Watch out for my next blog for more on another life skill.